Church musings (this English sef)

I know a lot of you would be wondering why I would be musing while in church {even though I know a lot of you reading this are very guilty of this sin}. Shouldn’t she be paying attention to the words of the preacher, listening closely to every word of God that is being relayed to the congregation? Well that is exactly what I was doing o on Sunday when this errant chinko child started to make some kind of stupid sounds {seemed like he was crying but it sounded more like a goat bleating}. The mother was trying to pacify him and get him to be quiet, this pikin no gree..at this point I was completely distracted and wondering why the mother had not smacked him in the mouth to shut him up. But we all know how this oyibo people are with their sheedren, instead of smacking the child to be quiet, they will be begging the child to be quiet. Some will even bribe the pikin with icecream sef. Imagine the nonsense. I remember while growing up, all my mum had to do was give me or my siblings the eye, and that alone sef will put the fear of ‘ekwensu’ in us. This child just kept making this sound and distracting a lot of other people till the mum had to back him out of the church.

Now what got me really upset was that this pikin is not even a child as I thought. I thought this pikin would be like a yr or 2 years old if he is too old. To my surprise, this child don reach to de grow beer-beer sef. Maybe he should be like 5 or 6 years old. Aaah…I was really vexed. Imagine this papa lolo disturbing the whole congregation in church ehn…If they were any closer to me, I would have given him a big ‘okpo’ on the head. That’s how I started imagining myself as the Chinko mother o and the conversation I would be having with my child outside the church.

{conversation in Cantonese}
Chinko mum: Ching lu, why you make so much trouble in church? You don’t want to listen to priest?
Errant child: mum, I want go home. Church boring. Me want play my wii.
Chinko mum: is that why you disrespect me in church, not keep quiet when I ask you to?
Errant child: what disrespect?

At this point, I go blank as I don’t know how to explain what disrespect is without repeating the word respect. So I think and then say

Chinko mum: well son, disrespect mean when you no show regard or respect for someone. It mean, you rude to somebody.
Errant child: what mean rude?
Chinko mum (now baffled): it mean, you not polite and not show courtesy.
Errant child: what mean cut-esy?
Chinko mum(at this point confused and exasperated): child you ask too many questions ok, lets go back inside and you be quiet ok.
Errant Child: but mum, why say things if you can not explain it?
Chinko mum(really upset now): look here, don’t let me cross with you? Infact you are grounded, you go to room now!
Errant child: but mum, we are in parking place in church, cant be grounded…hehehe..

At this point, mum is seeing fire and smoke is puffing out of her ears.

Chinko mum now turned warri mum: this pikin just shut up your mouth or I go just land you one hot slap now. Ogene biko o, which kain shild be this one ehn?

I grab him by the ear, twisting it and warning him not to make any ‘kpim’ when we enter the church. Just as we entered, the reverend father says ‘and so we ask God for his wisdom to live every day, AMEN.’ The congregation responds amen and all rise. At this point, I get jolted out of my reverie just as people were standing and realize that I had spent the whole time for homily, musing over a child wey no be my own..SMH….