Dear Dee,
Why did you make me fall in love with you and then leave me? How was it possible that you could fall so easily out of love with me? I always thought your promise was for life and I did not think that I would someday hear you say it was over. Till this very moment as you read this, I still don’t get it. One of my greatest fears at the beginning, was that I would discover that I wasn’t really in love with you and I would leave and hurt you but I guess the table turned, right?………….
The last weekend I spent at your house was kinda sad for me especially on Sunday night because that night, I realized a lot of things. A phone rings and I realize it is a call from ‘Nubian Queen’ for you and I thought to myself ‘that used to be me, now it’s no longer and how many other Nubian Queens were there before me?’ Does this mean I was just a statistic?’ And then I think of the times we spent together and it all could not have been a lie and somehow I felt there really must have been love. But you see, a lot of other things that weekend just seemed to happen to contradict this belief I was trying so hard to hold on to. Things like lies that should not have been told.
Lie 1 – why would you tell me you were not dating anyone when you had another ‘Nubian Queen’? I mean if you had told me you had started seeing someone else when I asked, did you think I would commit suicide or what? I still don’t get why you would lie about that and then to make out with me knowing she was out there somewhere, loving you, just as I loved you and probably thinking I did not know about her. How stupid or naïve did you think me to be? It really sucked.
Lie 2 – now this one hurt me pretty bad because it was something I just did not expect you to do. In my time of need, knowing how important it was to me and knowing how proud I am about asking for things from people, humbling myself to do just that, you flat out lied and refused to help me. Not once while I was in your house did you ask how I was fairing and if I had sorted out my problem, not once. Then I think to myself, this guy claimed he loved me, claimed he would walk to the end of the earth for me. If he really cared about me, would he really, really do this?
That night I was torn, I cried and I remembered. Remembered how you said we would have problems, serious issues and promised you would always be there and that it would be the love we had for each other that would pull us through. Remembered when you used to say I gave you your life back and how we were destined for each other.
This is not some sort of plea, this is just for you to remember the words and promises you made to me and the promises you are making now. It is just so easy for us to say things but harder to do them. Words are not to be taken lightly; I know I don’t take my words lightly. When I said I loved you, I really meant it and for the first time in my 24 years, I was in love and I loved it and I thought everything that happened then was worth that love. I have no regrets only experiences just like Victoria Holt said – Never regret. If it is good, it is wonderful but if it is bad, it is an experience.
I know I have learnt from this experience
1. To take my own advice ‘Don’t have much expectations from people, that way, you don’t end up being disappointed’.
2. To pay attention to those tiny details we tend to ignore in the ‘throes of passion’ that keeps us from making mistakes.
3. To fall or rather to walk in love smarter and wiser in my next relationship.
Oh well just know that I still care for you and always will.
Love,
Bee
